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Originally uploaded by randypd

Breathing in. Breathing out.

Wow.

So I had prepared to write a beautiful essay on the convergence of plant wisdom in my life. My work of the past five years has supported the plant kingdom. I've worked at Save the Redwoods League and now, the SF Botanical Garden Society. Plants have literally paid my bills.

And in 10 days, I'll be in Peru participating in my first ayahuasca ceremony, where I am sure to learn so much from the plants. My life will change.

Then the news of the CA State Supreme Court ruling overturning the ban on gay marriage came over my radio.

Wow.

The first emotion that ran through me was a huge surprise to me.

Grief. Motherfucking grief.

Grief over all those times I have told myself that I don't have the right to be seen, be heard, be equal...all because I am gay. All those times this little boy had to censor himself, shroud his heart to be safe in a world that said he is wrong because he is different. All those times I've missed with my family because the community I was born in still is steeped in hate. I missed holding my Grandmother as she drew her last breath all because I'm too queer to fit in to that society.

Anger. White hot anger.

Shame on them. Shame on the whole motherfucking state of Arkansas and all those conservative 'christians' who love to hate. Your laws enacted by your moral majority have caused me pain.

Acceptance.

I'm here now. I pay taxes in California, where I can be openly and proudly who I am. It's been 10 years (today!) since I packed up my life and moved across the country without a job, without a friend other than the man who loved me and believed in taking a chance. (Thank you, John.)

So my convergence of the now is a little more than I can process at this time. I'm crying at my desk while they are trying to install a new phone system.

Life goes on. But I'll never be the same.